Template for 2016 Uber Conservative Presidential Candidates

I’m a man. I’m white, educated, and I believe that I have already earned a post-terrestrial invitation to a sybaritic Heaven simply because I have accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior, and it has been revealed to me by God’s celestial guidance, the singular omniscient and omnipotent being who looks an awful lot like Charlton Heston and who has directly directed me to understand which biblical texts are his true words and which words can be ignored without affecting my promised post-terrestrial salvation. It should be obvious then to everyone else who also seeks a similar post-terrestrial eternity of hedonism that what I think is important regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, or universal address.

Ironically, the prodigal and carnal pleasures that I proudly and loudly (although not truthfully) proclaim to shun within my current sublunary life cycle are the very rewards I will receive for an eternity after I shuffle off this mortal coil that currently incarcerates my spiritual manifestation, which is a bit difficult to explain because I can only experience these bodily pleasures on Earth. My physical body is a miracle that can only be sensuously understood within an environment that is exactly like the atmospheric conditions on Earth within the very limited span of time between extreme terrestrial conditions that is the human epoch, which is solely conducive for human life. When we leave the planet, Earth’s atmosphere must be simulated in spacesuits or spacecrafts; this leaves the vast remaining Universe uninhabitable, totally useless for all human intents and purposes. Fortunately, my Faith will (and does) overcome my Ignorance, and it is with this Faith that I submit my volition always. This lack of energy to pursue the Truth may come across to the heathen as lassitude or apathy, but it is, in real reality, God’s will.

I am the id of our nation, the most base, bigoted, nationalistic, and religious extremist who knows better than anyone else, and since the current trend in our nation’s politics have shifted left and made same-sex marriage not only tolerated but acceptable, I’ve decided that abortion should be our nation’s current moral benchmark, mostly because I will never have to make a decision about any baby’s future, a miniature human that is extant exclusively because some obscure woman is the undeveloped organism’s life source, even if I were the masculine partner that inseminated the egg that quickened Life. I have not only the right but responsibility to make moral decisions for the female gender of our national community not only because no other opinion matters but, more importantly, women couldn’t possible be responsible enough to make decisions concerning their own bodies. Read the Bible! Woman are subordinate to the dominant male. God has written the Truth! Obviously, I should be the exclusive deciding factor in fetal life or death, but I should also determine how I can maintain a ludicrous lifestyle while others about whom I could care less remain not only obligated but honored to work tirelessly and with minimal remuneration for me to maintain the wealth I so apparently deserve.

Women, rightfully, believe that I, as a male, could never understand the concerns of an impregnated woman. True. I agree totally; I couldn’t possibly understand the ineffable grace of understanding that a separate human life is insidiously developing within my very corporeal existence, that I have been granted a miracle by unknowable biological puissance, the power to, like a goddess, create Life. In the same way, I am also totally ignorant about poverty, about being hungry, not ready-to-eat, mind you, but hungry for any significant amount of time, so how can I possibly be a spokesperson for or against abortion? But I submit the same point of contention for women who aren’t poor. How could they possibly understand the impossible decision to terminate a life prematurely when the only other option is to bring a child into a world with zero positive opportunities. Neither of us could understand the heart-rending torture about even considering the possibility that killing off a part of myself can be the least destructive decision I could make. However, abortion doesn’t directly affect me or my passions, so it is only I who can make this decision for all women… at least it won’t affect my wealthy constituency, and no one really cares about the dregs of society, even if I’ve done everything in my political power to keep the dregs in the mire that controls their lack of upward mobility.

It tickles me that anyone can espouse a pro-life advocacy yet still deny food stamps to an infant that is carried to full term (or, for that matter, how can one be pro-life and simultaneously support preemptive war or the death penalty?) Abortion will never adversely affect me nor any of my wealthy colleagues; it will exclusively affect the poor, which is as it should be. Women of means who are confronted with unwanted gestation can easily take a leisurely vacation to a country whose moral compass doesn’t include abortion as an abomination. If one were truly pro-life, she’d do everything in her power to help the woman who is contemplating termination of a significant part of her very self so that she’d be able to choose to bring the fetus to birth by giving her the things that would make it easier—bring the pregnant woman into her home and feed, clothe, and shelter her until she can get back on her feet. Of course that would be difficult, but if living a moral life were easy, we’d all be saints.

Great wealth is proof of a superior moral compass, and I am rich… very rich, a tyrant… uh, I mean a tycoon, which is irrefutable proof of divine sanction to even the most cerebrally impaired vagabond who tirelessly sucks at the economic dug of compassion as created through the empathetic “trickle down” social program that almost unfairly aids certain lazy welfare thugs who deserve far less. The beauty of this economic program is that it is quid pro quo; the poor get the help they need and we, the really, really rich, get tax breaks that allow us to keep millions of dollars even as our country’s infrastructure decays. This is the main reason I am against the proposed Iran Nuclear deal. Plus its potential success would be credited to Barack Obama, who, if you haven’t noticed, is a black man who is, quite probably, a Muslim… or, at least, a Muslim sympathizer.

The United States of America has the weapons of mass destruction, enough to totally annihilate humanity a few times over, but we are also the only nation to use nuclear weapons, twice, against another nation! Yet we still develop ever more powerful weapons merely because we can. We don’t need any more weapons when we can already destroy our species. And what do we do with weapons that are obsolete? We sell them to other nations. Why? The answer is simple: the CEOs of our national war machine corporations want to horde ever more wealth. We can sell fighter jets to Saudi Arabia knowing full well that we can take out those same jets with unmanned drones… but does that make our planet any safer? Luckily we have the NRA to assure that our society truly believes that more weapons will make us safer despite the overwhelming evidence to the contrary. The NRA helps disseminate the mantra that the only way to get rid of a bad man with a gun is with a good man with a gun. Propaganda works.

I am smart… very smart. I’m not religious, per se; it gets in the way of some of my other interests; however, I use religion and implied racism to get rubes to vote for me. I don’t give a rat’s ass about abortion, same-sex marriage, homosexuality, immigration, but my voting constituents do. Think about it: how many times since 1973 (Roe vs Wade) has Congress been controlled by our party? And why wasn’t any legislation enacted to put an end to these abominations? We divert our voters’ attentions with threats of war, Ebola, terrorism, false reports about Benghazi, errant email scams, sanguine security threats determined by varying shades of red as a warning for imminent danger, whatever it takes. Obviously, the government can’t eradicate abortion if we are under attack from imaginary threats or real threats we create ourselves. The irony of it is that my party claims to espouse less governmental interference except when dealing with abortion, corporate bailouts, or bankruptcy. Nobody wants the government unless its involvement benefits her interests.

As an uber conservative politician, I strongly support unchecked Capitalism as a political aspiration, profits over people. A corporation’s main responsibility should be to its stockholders and CEOs not to its employees, the country, or to the planet. Socialism is a bane; all business should be privatized, not so much because government is evil but because my party has done everything in its power to defund many governmental agencies so that they are impotent, which almost backfired on us when we shut down the government, which weakened the CDC and the Ebola virus crossed into Texas.

Theoretically, we would love to become a nation of healthy people who never break the law, but if this were true, both prisons and hospitals would lose money; they’d be unnecessary. Making them for-profit institutions is unconscionable. In order for these corporations to make money, they need patients and prisoners regardless of their health or malfeasance. That’s currently why our prisons are overpopulated with nonviolent prisoners and it costs an arm and a leg for one aspirin at Our Lady of Chronic Perpetuity Memorial Hospital. Education and pharmaceutical developers should also be nonprofit. Socialism? Maybe, but humanity is a social animal. Even a troglodyte needs occasional human contact; it does take a community to raise a healthy child.

We put the fun in fundamentalism, overstating our support for the Constitution and Christianity in order to obscure our proclivity to relentlessly pursue income inequality, planet destroying industrial pollution, and corporate greed. It requires so little effort that I am, at times but very briefly, ashamed to dupe my voting constituency, but when they make it so easy, it almost becomes obligatory, like the televangelist’s scolding a supporter for buying medicine instead of tithing, and when the flock of ignorance watches Fox so-called news, the news for the new Confederacy, I have to exert negligible effort. It’s funny to me how we use Islam to turn our constituency against theocracy yet insidiously insinuate that theology based on Christianity is a boon. I seriously don’t know how we can motivate so many people by hate- and fear-mongering. Thank God, literally, that the millennials aren’t motivated to vote. It would surely mean our party’s death.

I am, admittedly, a bit concerned about the future of our conservative party. For decades, we’ve used racial ambiguity to attract bigoted voters, but now Donald Trump has entered the race, and his racial intolerance is far more brash than our more subtle insinuations. He plangently proclaims the bigotry we’ve worked so hard to disguise. I guess we’ll have to double down on the George W. Bush mastery of repetition: to repeat lies ad nauseam until they’re taken as truth. It’s sadly funny how many of our voters still believe that Saddam Hussein was responsible for the 9/11 attacks or that Obama is a Kenyan Muslim. Again, thank God, literally, that we have Fox Entertainment on our side. It’s a shame that it is no longer acceptable to hoist the Confederate flag.

Peace Through Music
September 21, 2015


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